I have these episodes where I miss my mom terribly. Trigger or no trigger, it just happens. I realized I need to find a way to keep it in check. I write in my journal, but maybe putting this out in the open, will help me to open up more... or something like that.
Its so much easier for me to talk about my mom passing when people ask me. The normal response is "I'm so sorry to hear that" or "how did it happen if you don't mind me asking" and I never do. I tell the story how I know it. My mom befriended an older man after my dad cheated on her and this man offered to help her with care for my brother and I. He became obsessed and shot her days before she was going to move us from the bay to La to be with my father. Most people are amazed at how well it seems I have "become" and my response "it definitely wasn't easy"... It's still not easy and actually as I grow older it becomes increasingly difficult.
Before I was 16 I couldn't really mention my mom without crying. I told my step-mom (who was almost the same as the step-mom from Cinderella) that I was depressed to get out of trouble and not wanting to do something she wanted me to do (I can't remember) so she took me to a counselor. The counselor encouraged me to talk about my mom more often and it will make it better. I was supposed to go to a few more sessions but my dad was a cat and my step-mom figured I only needed to go once.
So I could talk about her and how she passed because that's all I knew... but how to live with this memory and close that void in my heart, never got that memo.
My mom was 17 when she got pregnant with me. My dad told me he wanted her to have an abortion along with the rest of my family but she was determined to keep me. My relationship with my father is... I dunno. Ask him, he was and is the greatest father on the planet. He didn't actually learn to be a father until my sister was born... like 5 or 6 years ago or however old T'era is. I love him but honestly, its like a brotherly love. If I'm ever in trouble I know he's ready to whoop someones ass for me but being a father, I didn't get it and now I feel too old to get it.
I feel my mothers strength to be better than I can be, love as bigger than my heart allows me and be happy BUT there's still a void. Sometimes I feel like it physically hurts. Maybe it's an anxiety thing, I dunno.
I've learned to stop trying to fill it with love from a man. It took a long time for me to realize my worth and know better than submitting and taking whatever BS I was given and jeebus it's just way too lame for me. I thought well maybe if I love my family and friends a little more than usual, but no go. I do realize I'm missing someone that just has my back.
Sunday night, I was around some of the best people I know. We had jokes and laughs and good ass fish and it was a good time. But as I looked around and thought about all the love and blessings they have with their partners or their parents, I felt empty. Not envious or jealous, just sad. Now, I know my friends didn't (and don't) have perfect lives and I'm know they are still on a pursuit of happiness like everyone else but out of no where, I just felt alone. I knew someone loved them to no end and I just don't feel like I have that. That love if there's any kind of issue you have, best believe I got your back kind of love... to no end.
I keep a lot of my feelings to myself. I usually say because I don't feel like I can trust anyone, but that's only part truth. I keep things inside because don't want to be perceived as a head case. When I even start to talk to someone they usually have nothing to say or look bothered or the classic "damn, I'm sorry to hear that/you feel that way" or they make my blues so complex ultimately redirecting everything back to themselves but calling it a "good talk"
So I retreat to my solitude. It's just easier that way. I wish I had someone to talk to I can trust that can accept me for all of the complete utter happy, sad, laughing, moody, goofy, stern, lovable, crazy visual person I am and that person is my mom... oh and the higher power himself.
I really pride myself in checking myself. Looking at my faults, realizing and fixing them to be a better person. Through this last issue, I have to redirect my sorrows into something productive and I really need to say goodbye to my mom. I've held on to this ghost of her memory for now almost 24 years and I know she wouldn't want me to feel this way. It's hard though... I just want to be happy.
If I can, I'm going to try to visit her gravesite in August, on her birthday. Its in Guthrie Oklahoma (wherever the hell that is) I've never been, but it's about that time.
Time is better spent laughing and joking and loving and living. I grew up knowing that time is never guaranteed so it's best to enjoy and live! So that's what I'm gonna do... It's gonna take me a few more days to shake off what I feel right now, but I have a plan, now time to execute.
Peace to all...
