Words.

"Everytime you type cool, I hear you in my head pronouncing it cool-ul followed by daydream cloud showing the patented crooked smile."
- The last person to break my heart

Don Tripp- Letter to my son

I love this record. Don Tripp is incredible. I know it's Mother's Day tomorrow and this is probably more so a Father's Day day song but it just crossed my mind...

As it is a Mother's Day, I hope all Moms are reflecting on themselves and making sure that they are doing all that they can be to be a GREAT mom! That means including the kid's fathers not holding your kid hostage because "you're mad". As a mother, if you and your child's father didn't work out but he wants to be a father, let him be.

Being mature and having the ability to compromise is the best gift you could give your kid. But now, if you're child's father is acting more like a sperm donor, fuck him! =)

I can't speak too much on the subject because I'm not a parent. But I've seen it on both ends, fathers with evil baby mothers and mothers with sperm donor-cryin for sympathy with the "she won't let me see my kid cause I don't wanna be with her" fathers and the it's all jacked because a child is involved.

The biggest lesson I take from all of this is what NOT to do and always remembering that your child is first, period!

That's all =)

Hotel Chevalier

This to me is the definition of love, hurt, and being brave enough to try again. Incredibly beautiful =)

10 Cool/Odd facts & story about Tony Allen Sr.

No real reason for this blog. Just thinkin about my father. He's hilarious.

Video of my dad explaining One Life to Live LOL

1. I only talk to him after midnight.
2. He watches One Life to Live FAITHFULLY! He'll be late to work just to watch it.
3. He's legally married, but has a girlfriend and they know about each other.
4. He's responsible for my disgust of BBQ.
5. He decided to grow cornrows after he turned 40+
6. He just recently learned how to text message lol
7. Including my mom, he's never actually had to approach any woman. They all approached him. He played the shy and quiet guy well, but in actuality...
8. He stutters... A LOT! Lol
9. He thinks I'm supposed to help him take care of my brothers and sisters cause I'm the oldest because...
10. He smokes those tweeds, but he calls them "cigarettes" lol

So Pops has 5 baby moms... A month ago or so, we had a debate about who is prettiest. Naturally (and not because I was on the phone with him) #1 was my mom and my list was:

1. Kay (Me and Tony's mom)
2. Tie between Tamara (my step-mom Anthony & Robbie's mom, his wife) Lana (T'ana's mom)
4. Pam aka Bulletwound (T'era's mom, his girlfriend)
5. Magnolia (Darvell's mom)

He says

1. My mom
2. Tamara
3. Pam
4. Lana
5. Magnolia

The debate is really just between Pam and Lana. I'm not a big fan of Pam period. She went after my father knowing he was married and I can't respect that period and it took a lot for me to get over that resentment for him doing that to my step-mom.

But at the end of the day, you really can't help or change the actions of people. You just have to learn to adjust and live.

At any rate, he's been through A LOT with Lana but he said Pam over Lana only because "Lana has no hips, Pam has hips and ass" verbatim. But Pam looks like she's Martin did when Tommy Hearns beat him up LOL

I'm exaggerating of course but I swear it's almost similar. Lana is actually really pretty and she did a pretty good job taking care of Tony and I during her time with my dad. I only pick Tamara with her because Tamara went above and beyond to take care of Tony and I and I have a huge respect for her.

I guess my ranking is based more on the person they are, rather than looks. Tamara and Lana were more moms to me than the others were. Well Pam could never be and Magnolia is a crackhead... Like for real, a bonafied crack head.

Pops doesn't like me calling Pam his girlfriend, bullet wound. I told him soon as he gets a divorce and cuts off his damn braids, we could talk lol. He hasn't agreed yet lol

             From L to R: Me, T'ana, T'era, My dad, Tony, Anthony & Robbie (Darvell missing) circa 2010

Gotta love him =)

Currently On Repeat: Edition 1

I have the tendency to get stuck on certain songs for a long time and just replay them over and over for a certain amount of time. This is the most current ones...

Still Standing- Pharoahe Monch
This record speaks to me on SO many levels! It's just what it says. Still Standing despite all adversities, you're still standing! Not to mention Pharoahe captured the energy in the music that makes you feel all sorts of powerful even after going through so much in your life... my life.

Make Yours A Happy Home- Gladys Knight & The Pips
I went to a Raphael Saadiq show 4/15 and the DJ played this record while we were waiting for him to come out. I shazaamed it and found it and been stuck ever since. My cousin reminded me that this is one of my Grandfathers favorite records along with all the other Blues he's put me on. Initially it was the music that caught my ear, not so much the lyrics. As I kept replaying it over and over all weekend, I realized there was more to it for me. I call this the love/engagement song. My best friend just proposed to his Girlfriend over the weekend and listening to this song makes me realize what they mean for each other and also what you should be in a relationship to "Make Yours A Happy Home" =)

Enjoy the Sun- Theophilus London
Simple lyrics, dope music I do just love everyone and just enjoy the sun! Life is too short to be bogged down with worries or frowns.

Sigh No More- Mumford & Sons
Right at the 1:50 mark is where I fall in love with this song!

Love or lack there of... Blah

Had a couple of short conversations on the dreaded love subject today. I don't like always talking about this because it just a broken record. Another conversation from a girl talking about love and just like my pet peeves, I hate being typical and love discussion on "when is it gonna happen for me" talk is just too typical. But it's been on my heart and mind, and I can't escape that...

So, I blog... Wanna read about it? Here it go! =)

Conversation with my cousin today:
Cousin: So what's up with your love life?
Me: umm just eh
Cousin: what's 'eh' supposed to mean?
Me: just eh.

Why is it that people, well women, get so caught up in love? Beyond our heavenly father making "love" a necessity in our hearts and minds but why is it always such a huge deal? 

1 reason, most women feel the need to be loved period or validated by another person. Some just want to be taken care of financially, and some just need to wants to have someone to have their back through anything. 

But why love? Why do we worry so much bout this shit? No matter what story or plan I write out for myself, love always finds it's way to jump in! It's sucks truly and if I could stay off that rollercoaster for a while I'd be a happy camper! 

But it's not in my nature nor is it healthy. I'd hate everyone and be evil or something lol.

I'm sure there's a lot of other reasons why people need love... But my reason; to have someone to have my back and me have theirs... oh and love and live like Akeem & Lisa from Coming to America or Princess Tiana and The Frog Prince or even Zack & Miri minus the porno hahahaha

I will be 28 in less than a month and I can honestly say I've never TRULY been in love. "I have yet to experience what the outside world has to offer!" (I need to stop watching Coming to America lol)

Have I ever loved? Sure. I've given myself mentally & physically so much that I've been taken mentally to places I never thought I could ever come back from and it's a hard tough road to get back on and be ok. 

Conversation with my coworker:
Coworker: I cant wait to see you pregnant!
Me: Hahaha I've been thinking about it but thats why its so important for me to travel and get my life right cause i want to start a family... Eventually 
Me: crazy thing is, there's no one in my past who I could actually see having kids with or marrying! Like none! I feel like I lucked up! Hahaha

For majority of last year, I dated someone I truly thought I loved and when I knew it wasn't working (no matter how much I tried to ignore a lot of things that wasn't fair to me) I had to walk away. It took a lot of self evaluation, self realization and self love to know I should be treated way better than that. The most important lesson was to forgive him and know that he has his own demons to deal with. 

It's a beautiful thing to realize that you love yourself no matter how much you weigh or look like or what you do in life. I'm a truly blessed person who will be the epitome of incredible lol. Not trying to be narcissistic, just expressing how I feel because I never really gave myself a chance. 

Now, I just know if I keep my heart & mind open, it will come. I have a crush though. It's important for me to keep that kind of love in my heart even if it's all a facade. Even if he never knows he's the one, I'll appreciate him for forever. His passion, his ability to accept people for who they are and his general coolness I love and appreciate forever. 

But love? Im confident to know that it will happen eventually. Sure just like any human being and especially being a woman- you want that in-home hair stroker (for me at least lol) snuggle buddy, that other half that loves you beyond measure and will have your back completely without question...

I'll just hug my pillow tighter until then... Or learns the drums or something =) 

Until then, stay tuned...

I'm a scary freaked out bastard!

My Complete List of Fears or things that freak me out

Dogs
Slugs
Rats/Rodents/ Mice/ Hamsters/ Guinea Pigs
Being the bougie girl that gets beer sprayed on her in the Snoop "Nuthin But A G Thang Video"
Crowds/ Mosh Pits
People with underbites
People with extra small foreheads
Losing in life
Frogs
Worms
Animals that jump
Bungee Jumping
The 2 Guys 1 Horse Video
Being spit on
Ejaculation on my face (might be TMI but THAT'S SCARY)
Losing my gold earrings I wear all the time
Dirty Toilets
Parkinson's Disease
Aneurysms
Omarosa/ Wendy Williams/ Janet Reno and any other lady bruhs in power
Heels =\
Girls with chipped nail polish (vomit)
Someone putting bacon in my mouth while I'm sleep (true nightmare I had before)
losing every picture or video I've ever taken
falling in love with someone who hates kissing
Judgement Day
Cankles on men
Cankles on women
Cankles on ANYTHING
Not being able to visit other countries before I start having a family
Never truly falling in love/ dying alone
Gary Busey
Being judged
Lil B
losing my hearing
sleeping naked... what if there's a FIRE?!
becoming simple
never finding a balance between having high expectations with low reality results
Americans that use fake English accents (except Angelina Jolie, shes incredible)
Not being able to provide and take care of my brothers & sisters so they don't have to worry about anything

I can be a jerk... BUT I know how to take responsibility for it.

A situation happened at work. At risk of making sure I keep my job, I will have to keep this as vague as possible. Hopefully it makes sense.

Bottom line, if you say something, you have to be able to take responsibility for your words. Be it that I said something that "hypothetically" hurt someone, I have to accept take responsibility for that. I make comments about life or whatever, but when dealing with individuals that... (well I can't say) just dealing with certain individuals, you have to be... cautious.

I'm a reflective person. In the heat of an arguement, I can argue my side, but once I've had a chance to cool down, I can see the other persons perspective EVEN if the other party was wrong or completely off base.

On the flipside, I'm TOTALLY NOT A COLD SHIT STARTING PERSON AT ALL! I hate confrontation, I hate drama and I hate HATE feeling like I hurt someone. It's not in my character and it bothers me to think that, that's how I'm viewed based off ONE issue. However, it goes with taking responsibility for your actions- I have to reestablish faith and trust in other people.

My friends and lots of people I discussed this situation think that I'm too hard on myself. I don't. I think its all about growing and being able to recognize faults within yourself to just be the better bigger person in life.

I received a lot of grief from this one situation. Certain people hate me, barely speak to me anymore and for a while after it all happened, I was PISSED! I was mad that the relationships I built with other people was all ruined because I'm not a coward and I admit to my wrongs.

But in the end, there's the age old saying "don't start nothin, won't be nothin".

There's a very short list unforgivable things people could do to make me walk around with hate in my heart for someone. When do that, you give the other person power over your emotions and that's no bueno! So despite everything, I got love for everyone. It's better than hate =)

Life: Kay

Because of the last 24 hours I have, instead of keeping my thoughts to myself, I decided to blog about it. Mostly for me, but maybe it will help other people (if any care to read this) understand me a little more.

I have these episodes where I miss my mom terribly. Trigger or no trigger, it just happens. I realized I need to find a way to keep it in check. I write in my journal, but maybe putting this out in the open, will help me to open up more... or something like that.

Its so much easier for me to talk about my mom passing when people ask me. The normal response is "I'm so sorry to hear that" or  "how did it happen if you don't mind me asking" and I never do. I tell the story how I know it. My mom befriended an older man after my dad cheated on her and this man offered to help her with care for my brother and I. He became obsessed and shot her days before she was going to move us from the bay to La to be with my father. Most people are amazed at how well it seems I have "become" and my response "it definitely wasn't easy"... It's still not easy and actually as I grow older it becomes increasingly difficult. 

Before I was 16 I couldn't really mention my mom without crying. I told my step-mom (who was almost the same as the step-mom from Cinderella) that I was depressed to get out of trouble and not wanting to do something she wanted me to do (I can't remember) so she took me to a counselor. The counselor encouraged me to talk about my mom more often and it will make it better. I was supposed to go to a few more sessions but my dad was a cat and my step-mom figured I only needed to go once. 

So I could talk about her and how she passed because that's all I knew... but how to live with this memory and close that void in my heart, never got that memo. 

My mom was 17 when she got pregnant with me. My dad told me he wanted her to have an abortion along with the rest of my family but she was determined to keep me. My relationship with my father is... I dunno. Ask him, he was and is the greatest father on the planet. He didn't actually learn to be a father until my sister was born... like 5 or 6 years ago or however old T'era is. I love him but honestly, its like a brotherly love. If I'm ever in trouble I know he's ready to whoop someones ass for me but being a father, I didn't get it and now I feel too old to get it. 

I feel my mothers strength to be better than I can be, love as bigger than my heart allows me and be happy BUT there's still a void. Sometimes I feel like it physically hurts. Maybe it's an anxiety thing,  I dunno.

I've learned to stop trying to fill it with love from a man. It took a long time for me to realize my worth and know better than submitting and taking whatever BS I was given and jeebus it's just way too lame for me. I thought well maybe if I love my family and friends a little more than usual, but no go. I do realize I'm missing someone that just has my back.

Sunday night, I was around some of the best people I know. We had jokes and laughs and good ass fish and it was a good time. But as I looked around and thought about all the love and blessings they have with their partners or their parents, I felt empty. Not envious or jealous, just sad. Now, I know my friends didn't (and don't) have perfect lives and I'm know they are still on a pursuit of happiness like everyone else but out of no where, I just felt alone. I knew someone loved them to no end and I just don't feel like I have that. That love if there's any kind of issue you have, best believe I got your back kind of love... to no end.

I keep a lot of my feelings to myself. I usually say because I don't feel like I can trust anyone, but that's only part truth. I keep things inside because don't want to be perceived as a head case. When I even start to talk to someone they usually have nothing to say or look bothered or the classic "damn, I'm sorry to hear that/you feel that way" or they make my blues so complex ultimately redirecting everything back to themselves but calling it a "good talk" 

So I retreat to my solitude. It's just easier that way. I wish I had someone to talk to I can trust that can accept me for all of the complete utter happy, sad, laughing, moody, goofy, stern, lovable, crazy visual person I am and that person is my mom... oh and the higher power himself.

I really pride myself in checking myself. Looking at my faults, realizing and fixing them to be a better person. Through this last issue, I have to redirect my sorrows into something productive and I really need to say goodbye to my mom. I've held on to this ghost of her memory for now almost 24 years and I know she wouldn't want me to feel this way. It's hard though... I just want to be happy. 

If I can, I'm going to try to visit her gravesite in August, on her birthday. Its in Guthrie Oklahoma (wherever the hell that is) I've never been, but it's about that time. 

Time is better spent laughing and joking and loving and living. I grew up knowing that time is never guaranteed so it's best to enjoy and live! So that's what I'm gonna do... It's gonna take me a few more days to shake off what I feel right now, but I have a plan, now time to execute. 

Peace to all...