Love or lack there of... Blah

Had a couple of short conversations on the dreaded love subject today. I don't like always talking about this because it just a broken record. Another conversation from a girl talking about love and just like my pet peeves, I hate being typical and love discussion on "when is it gonna happen for me" talk is just too typical. But it's been on my heart and mind, and I can't escape that...

So, I blog... Wanna read about it? Here it go! =)

Conversation with my cousin today:
Cousin: So what's up with your love life?
Me: umm just eh
Cousin: what's 'eh' supposed to mean?
Me: just eh.

Why is it that people, well women, get so caught up in love? Beyond our heavenly father making "love" a necessity in our hearts and minds but why is it always such a huge deal? 

1 reason, most women feel the need to be loved period or validated by another person. Some just want to be taken care of financially, and some just need to wants to have someone to have their back through anything. 

But why love? Why do we worry so much bout this shit? No matter what story or plan I write out for myself, love always finds it's way to jump in! It's sucks truly and if I could stay off that rollercoaster for a while I'd be a happy camper! 

But it's not in my nature nor is it healthy. I'd hate everyone and be evil or something lol.

I'm sure there's a lot of other reasons why people need love... But my reason; to have someone to have my back and me have theirs... oh and love and live like Akeem & Lisa from Coming to America or Princess Tiana and The Frog Prince or even Zack & Miri minus the porno hahahaha

I will be 28 in less than a month and I can honestly say I've never TRULY been in love. "I have yet to experience what the outside world has to offer!" (I need to stop watching Coming to America lol)

Have I ever loved? Sure. I've given myself mentally & physically so much that I've been taken mentally to places I never thought I could ever come back from and it's a hard tough road to get back on and be ok. 

Conversation with my coworker:
Coworker: I cant wait to see you pregnant!
Me: Hahaha I've been thinking about it but thats why its so important for me to travel and get my life right cause i want to start a family... Eventually 
Me: crazy thing is, there's no one in my past who I could actually see having kids with or marrying! Like none! I feel like I lucked up! Hahaha

For majority of last year, I dated someone I truly thought I loved and when I knew it wasn't working (no matter how much I tried to ignore a lot of things that wasn't fair to me) I had to walk away. It took a lot of self evaluation, self realization and self love to know I should be treated way better than that. The most important lesson was to forgive him and know that he has his own demons to deal with. 

It's a beautiful thing to realize that you love yourself no matter how much you weigh or look like or what you do in life. I'm a truly blessed person who will be the epitome of incredible lol. Not trying to be narcissistic, just expressing how I feel because I never really gave myself a chance. 

Now, I just know if I keep my heart & mind open, it will come. I have a crush though. It's important for me to keep that kind of love in my heart even if it's all a facade. Even if he never knows he's the one, I'll appreciate him for forever. His passion, his ability to accept people for who they are and his general coolness I love and appreciate forever. 

But love? Im confident to know that it will happen eventually. Sure just like any human being and especially being a woman- you want that in-home hair stroker (for me at least lol) snuggle buddy, that other half that loves you beyond measure and will have your back completely without question...

I'll just hug my pillow tighter until then... Or learns the drums or something =) 

Until then, stay tuned...

I'm a scary freaked out bastard!

My Complete List of Fears or things that freak me out

Dogs
Slugs
Rats/Rodents/ Mice/ Hamsters/ Guinea Pigs
Being the bougie girl that gets beer sprayed on her in the Snoop "Nuthin But A G Thang Video"
Crowds/ Mosh Pits
People with underbites
People with extra small foreheads
Losing in life
Frogs
Worms
Animals that jump
Bungee Jumping
The 2 Guys 1 Horse Video
Being spit on
Ejaculation on my face (might be TMI but THAT'S SCARY)
Losing my gold earrings I wear all the time
Dirty Toilets
Parkinson's Disease
Aneurysms
Omarosa/ Wendy Williams/ Janet Reno and any other lady bruhs in power
Heels =\
Girls with chipped nail polish (vomit)
Someone putting bacon in my mouth while I'm sleep (true nightmare I had before)
losing every picture or video I've ever taken
falling in love with someone who hates kissing
Judgement Day
Cankles on men
Cankles on women
Cankles on ANYTHING
Not being able to visit other countries before I start having a family
Never truly falling in love/ dying alone
Gary Busey
Being judged
Lil B
losing my hearing
sleeping naked... what if there's a FIRE?!
becoming simple
never finding a balance between having high expectations with low reality results
Americans that use fake English accents (except Angelina Jolie, shes incredible)
Not being able to provide and take care of my brothers & sisters so they don't have to worry about anything

I can be a jerk... BUT I know how to take responsibility for it.

A situation happened at work. At risk of making sure I keep my job, I will have to keep this as vague as possible. Hopefully it makes sense.

Bottom line, if you say something, you have to be able to take responsibility for your words. Be it that I said something that "hypothetically" hurt someone, I have to accept take responsibility for that. I make comments about life or whatever, but when dealing with individuals that... (well I can't say) just dealing with certain individuals, you have to be... cautious.

I'm a reflective person. In the heat of an arguement, I can argue my side, but once I've had a chance to cool down, I can see the other persons perspective EVEN if the other party was wrong or completely off base.

On the flipside, I'm TOTALLY NOT A COLD SHIT STARTING PERSON AT ALL! I hate confrontation, I hate drama and I hate HATE feeling like I hurt someone. It's not in my character and it bothers me to think that, that's how I'm viewed based off ONE issue. However, it goes with taking responsibility for your actions- I have to reestablish faith and trust in other people.

My friends and lots of people I discussed this situation think that I'm too hard on myself. I don't. I think its all about growing and being able to recognize faults within yourself to just be the better bigger person in life.

I received a lot of grief from this one situation. Certain people hate me, barely speak to me anymore and for a while after it all happened, I was PISSED! I was mad that the relationships I built with other people was all ruined because I'm not a coward and I admit to my wrongs.

But in the end, there's the age old saying "don't start nothin, won't be nothin".

There's a very short list unforgivable things people could do to make me walk around with hate in my heart for someone. When do that, you give the other person power over your emotions and that's no bueno! So despite everything, I got love for everyone. It's better than hate =)